this house

this house this heavy this sickness its surfaces its TB cough pill pop its wheelchair untended this forgotten pile of laundry in unlit room back of kitchen where a million many-legged things lurk and so you touch everything gingerly this mattressless bed that belonged to your grandparents these yellowing photos of ten minus one this smog heat manila always quick to embrace you this crud on your arms despite always taking showers this feeling in body like you need to run but there is no where to go this stare like you’re crazy when you do go out coz no one here looks like you this heavy in your lungs like pieces of metal this wanting to eat something sweet again this sugar crash in the afternoon this too salt taste of too much soy sauce this up and down stairs to simulate purpose this missing someone to hold you while you lie sideways this residue of memory scoldings and celebrations this fading of wall paint and never redecorating these dust mites and mosquitoes that get you in the night this old fashioned religiosity this Lola praying the rosary this Lolo’s ghost visiting because this was his territory this someone not being here but loneliness is necessary this culling a past that others want to forget this watering of roots that have dried out for decades this feeling at home in your bones despite your bones missing home this missing comfort but comfortable missing this missing this missing this missing this missing and this house this house this house this house this heavy this house.

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